Thursday, December 03, 2009

A Letter to a Mugger

You probably don't need to read this blog....unless you're the guy who tried to mug my wife and I while we were shopping at Gander Mountain last night. In case you don't remember who we were, I was the guy wearing the black pea coat that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my wife and I, threatening our lives. You also asked for my wife's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually poop in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My wife had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for our anniversary, and we had picked up a new holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head....isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.)

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell-phone, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station - on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

After we left the gas station I drove by a homeless shelter and gave your shoes to a guy outside, along with all the cash in your wallet, he seemed to be really happy. I told him it's the season for giving. That made his day!

Later, I called a bunch of my friends over in Europe. It's been so long since I've talked with them, I usually don't call them from my own cell-phone because it's so expensive. As I was searching through your contact list I found a guy named "Probation Mike", I can only assume he is your probation officer?? I called him a couple times and made some threats to his family. I thought he knew I was kidding but he sounded pretty serious, you might want to call and explain what happened. Oh, the FBI called too - I think it might have something to do with the bomb threat I made toward a bank. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!


Adam said...

That's quite the story. Heidi and I were both laughing out loud. Is any of it true?

smilingpaul said...

I can neither confirm nor deny the story. ;-)